I'm Writing A Movie

Stop what you're doing. If you are at the movies, stop watching. If you are watching television, look away from it. If you are reading, mark your place-- no, use a real bookmark, don't just fold the page over-- great. Now, get ready to hear the best idea for a movie since you heard about "Blart: Mall Cop." Are you ready? Here it is: "Lois and Blart: The New Adventures of Mall Cop." See what I did there?
I know, I know. You're thinking, this can't possibly be as good as Wild Hogs. But guess what? It's going to be at least as good as Wild Hogs, maybe even funnier and have a lot less old man balls in it. To be fair, I'm not totally certain that there are old man balls in it, but then again, no I am certain, because I've seen the poster for it. It's a shot of ten or so old dudes in leather jackets and big ass choppers with their balls hanging out.
But seriously, lets get back to Lois and Blart. I'll start off by giving you a log line: A fat, pathetic mall cop discovers that a pretty mall employee is really an undercover reporter. They spend one insane night together. This is that night.
Not convinced? Let me get more in depth: A fat, pathetic mall cop, Peter Blart, gets trapped in a mall overnight ala A Night at the Museum (book, not movie). After a few hours of drinking Orange Juliuses, he decides to raid the cosmetics section at the Nordstrom's and make himself up like he's at a sleepover. While at the Clinique counter, he finds an employee's notebook and discovers she isn't just a shy, mild-mannered make-up lady, but a reporter, for the Daily Planet, doing an exposee on anti-wrinkle cream. Shocked at his discovery, he uses the Clinique company directory, calls her home number, and tells her he knows her secret. This is an awkward time for him to call her home. It is awkard because she in the middle of fighting with Superman, because he doesn't really approve of her working in such sub-human, anti-feminist conditions even for a story and even more than that he doesn't like it when people call during their private time. But it is awkard for another reason: Blart does not specify which secret he knows. Lois thinks that Blart knows that she is married to Superman. This really flips Lois out. She gets so angry at him that she tells him that if he is trying to blackmail her family it won't work because her husband will kick his ass. Blart is confused and not totally unworried, and even though he tries to explain that it was more like a prank call and that he won't ruin her story or blow her cover, Lois hangs up. Now, Superman is really peeved because before this call, it was a rather quiet night in Metropolis. After begrudgingly putting his suit and cape on, he flies Lois down to the mall so they can give this Blart character a piece of their mind. Blart, who was somewhat distressed, had gone back to the food court to drink more Orange Juliuses, and when Superman bursts through the skylight with Lois in his arms, he pees and vomits an orange frothy liquid all over himself. Lois and Superman laugh their beautiful asses off at this, but don't forget that they're about to kick some serious mall cop ass. A chase ensues. Well, it starts off with Blart just running toward the bathroom to clean up, but when he notices that Lois and Superman are floating after him, he picks up the pace. The whole time he is running he keeps yelling, "I won't tell anyone you're not really a cosmetologist." But this only makes Superman more angry, because he is reminded of Lois working there in that little apron and all that stupid pancake make-up. "You're going to regret that, Barf." This bring Blart to the point of tears, because he is still so embarrassed about throwing up, but he still manages to correct Supes. "It's Blart." And boy oh boy was that a mistake, because Superman just comes back with, "Oh yeah, well that's not what your name tag, it says, Barf." A close up reveals that Blart's name tag is indeed covered in vomit, obscuring the right amount of letters so it indeed reads "Barf." Superman is laughing so hard it looks like his abs are going to rip through his spandex, and at this point, Lois doesn't even care that they came there originally to rough this guy up. But then, just as you think it's going to end in good hearted fun and they're all going to go home (except for Blart, who is locked in there, remember?), Blart picks up a bottle of anti-wrinkle cream and hurls it at Superman. The bottle shatters, Superman falls in an amazing play and replay Matrix style shot. It turns out, the secret ingredient that Lois was trying to expose in the Clinique formula was kryptonite. Although Superman isn't dead, it looks like he's going to have a shiner in the morning and welts on his face from the reaction to the lotion. Blart thinks he's the strongest man alive, and begins to celebrate, taking off his soggy vomity clothes and running around the aisles. But then Lois cleans off her hubby with some toner, he is pretty much a-okay, and proceeds to rip apart Blart limb from limb. It ends on a shot of Lois and Superman crashing through another skylight on their way out of the mall. The tag is the two of them on vacation at the fortress of solitude, laughing about that guy they brutally murdered and sipping Chandon.
That's pretty much it. I'm thinking that vomit shot will be great for the under forty crowd, just because it's so slapstick, plus the Orange Julius people will be over the moon with how much product placement they're getting, so I think we can count on them for some serious dough. Besides, who would ever have thought to team up Teri Hatcher and Kevin James. Also, this is totally Dean Cain's year for a comeback.

You're Welcome,
Mrs. God